Tuesday, April 25, 2017


[The video is dated Jan 7 and he died Jan 10, 2016.]

My Interpretation"His death was no different from his life - a work of Art."
- Tony Visconti, producer for Bowie's final album Blackstar

Bowie is saying goodbye to us in the video for "Lazarus". He appears in a hospital bed, blindfolded with button eyes. It's symbolic of a weakened, end of life condition.
The ghostly girl who comes out of the closet and crawls under the bed is something of a grim reaper. She is death. As she reaches for him, Bowie levitates in the bed... possibly delaying her touch momentarily. He still has some fight in him.
The levitation might also symbolize entering a state in between life to beyond.
We next seen him free of bandages, up and on his feet, looking a little better and bright eyed. He's reviewing memories and important moments from his life. He does a silly little dance and smiles. It was good.
He sits and begins writing a note or letter... or the script for this video. Knowing death is near, he ponders... and then composes his last work. We see the little reaper girl occasionally, apparently allowing him some time to wrap things up... but looking impatient. Once finished with his final composition, he stands and slowly but knowingly, retreats backwards and steps into the closet from which death entered... and closes the door. It's over.  http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859518979/


The dog is named Lazarus. It was revived after being put down.

"As he explained in his article, the reanimation process had four essential steps:   first, remove or neutralize the agent causing death, second, conduct artificial respiration,  third, restart the heart, and fourth, nurse the patient back to health." http://drvitelli.typepad.com/providentia/2017/04/the-man-who-raised-the-dead.html 

That very process happened with me, except artificial respiration was started hours before surgery when I stopped breathing.

When I opened my eyes after a coma, my mother used the name Lazarus to describe my situation.

The Origin of the Name

Not much is needed to be known about Lazarus of Bethany other than Jesus raised him from the dead four days after he died. It was the last miracle Jesus performed before his own rite of passage.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

First Hair Wash

I was browsing through the Amazon merchandise. They are an on-line retailer, and I have been able to find a lot of unusual merchandise with them. Somehow I ended up in the personal care area.

I saw the above pictured shower cap. All of a sudden I was flooded with memories (Most memories were of a staple, as  in the kind in a staple gun. I will get to that.)

I copied the address of the page and sent it to my mother. I'd let that picture jar her memory also. 

About a week later a small box arrived. I wasn't expecting anything. My daughter opened it. Inside was the shower cap. I laughed hysterically.

My daughter didn't know the story. I filled her in.

I had brain surgery. I was in a coma (closed eyes) for five weeks.  I transferred hospitals, somewhere around the time of opening my eyes. I only recalled pieces of it. I couldn't talk. I'd communicate with my mother by blinking yes/no to letters in the alphabet to her. I communicated WASH-HAIR.

It had been two months since I washed my hair. That was the least of anyone's worries. Everyone was afraid to touch my head.

"Of course," said my daughter. "You still twitch." When she touches the back of my head, my leg moves. A few years ago it kicked when my hair was brushed. Now it twitches. It's slowly calming down.

Those shower caps are amazing. You put it on the head and make sure all hair is in it. Massage the hair through the cap. Remove the cap and towel dry. The hair is washed.

In doing this, just putting it on, my mother found a staple. It was in my head! (Here's the staple memory.) So that was something left over from the original surgery at the trauma center. It was removed, later, but imagine the initial shock. 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Now I Am Dead

I have been trying to get the Medicaid Waiver for Brain Injury in California, http://thoughtfulveg.blogspot.com/2017/03/brain-injury-medicaid-waiver-in.html

I have met up with barriers and obstacles. This Medicaid Waiver is something new. I have previously used a Medicaid Waiver for developmentally disabled persons on my caseload when I did this kind of work elsewhere. This would fit other disabilities, and the person would have to be institution eligible.

From what I can tell, one form is 12 pages long. The Plan of Treatment form appears to be twelve pages long. When I click on this, it says it is on page 1 of 12. (I think this would cause the worker to die, not me.)

It has taken a few messages just to get through to these people.

I warn u if u call, u may not understand me. My speech is difficult to understand at times.
I have an unusual case. I should be in a hospital now, but have the intelligence of a doctor. I am not. I also have the intelligence of a financial officer; hence contacting u. I have a Share of Cost cuz my last employment put me in a higher tax bracket. I say just Medicaid Waiver me. I'll become a household of 1 with $0 income.

This is EXTREMELY special circumstance. My diagnosis says I am vegetative, but I now talk a little n obviously type with 1 finger. Knowledge is extreme. I will be cc-ing this e-mail.

CC-ing is just what I have done. Others can see the lunacy.

There was a Share of Cost on my Medicaid which my father cleared up, but the way in which it was done only puts a band-aid over a serious problem. They were closing the case since the immediate Share of Cost issue was cleared. I wrote to them:
Share of Cost or not, I should still be made Medicaid Waiver. Doesn't it amaze u that u are e-mailed by a brain dead patient? There was Share of Cost 2wks ago, but my father went ahead n purchased the extra policy. He dies n we have this problem again.

It sounds clear doesn't it? Well, now I am dead.

Thank you for contacting the Ombudsman Office.  The Medi-Cal is still active without a share of cost.  Since the member is deceased, please, contact your local Medi-Cal county office to inform them so they can deactivate his Medi-Cal eligibility at 209-385-3000. If you choose to do it by mail, please, visit our website and print out an MC-215 and submit it to the county office.   You can find the form at www.dhcs.ca.gov by typing in MC-215 in the search box on the upper right hand corner….
Thank you,

Medi-Cal is Medicaid in California. 

I'm laughing too much to respond. What's wrong with these people?

*This is not for everyone! Remember I said I had to be certified as hospital material? "Medicaid Waiver programs help provide services to people who would otherwise be in an institution, nursing home, or hospital to receive long-term care in the community." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicaid_waiver


Friday, April 14, 2017

I'll Be OK

Some people are taking my "unconsciousness" to be some big government conspiracy. That is not the case.

From a social network...
Angela Ronson- Umm...I was unfit. It didn't stick. I got better. What ur reading is typed with 1 finger. This would be from my hospital bed, but I left. (I can already do 24hr doctor care.) Ur not looking at some govt plan to disable ppl. This is more along the lines of miracle healing - like Anita Moorjani.

You will need to know more about this woman. 

I am now on the slowly getting better track. Slow is very slow.

My injury was in 2002. I didn't get something in a magazine until 2009. I couldn't even type for the first four years after my injury. I was in various hospitals. My address was the hospital mailing address. I was institutionalized alright. I was living in a medical institution, but it is never stated like that.

That may not be enough for some. I'll go with physical deformity. I had a contracture of my ankle. That is gone. My foot inverted and froze. My ankle turned in and up like a sprain. That foot isn't all the way back to pre-bleed status. It is still improving.

It's not a common problem, but it has occurred. This is most often called club foot.

The foot flexes and I now wear a brace. It had formed a bump where it turned. That bump is now gone,

If that's not enough, I used to have subluxed shoulders. I guess this can occur in an arm affected by a stroke. I had it in both arms. I couldn't use either arm. I've included a picture of a person with just one shoulder affected so you can see how dramatic this is. You can't see it if it is covered by clothing.

One shoulder has subluxation.

The arm issue is completely resolved.The feet are not. My left foot appears okay. My right foot is flat, but still drastically turns in. My body continues to make minor changes.The changes are so minor that photographs taken quite a few months apart have to be used to see the difference.

Go back to the video of Moorjani. Medicine does not prescribe to a person saying, "I'll be okay." I could say that, if it was faster. There's too much time between minor changes to make that call, but I do believe my outcome will be favorable.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

The Brain Can Survive Death

This is Dr Sam Parnia. "Sam Parnia is a British Assistant professor of Medicine at the Stony Brook University School of Medicine where he also is director of research into cardiopulmonary resuscitation, and he is director of the Human Consciousness Project at the University of Southampton. Parnia is known for his work on near-death experiences and cardiopulmonary resuscitation."  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Parnia He is a physician mostly dealing with the NDE and heart attacks. Some have asked who he is.

Now with my injury, my brain was obviously shut down more than five minutes as stated in the video. I stopped breathing hours before any surgery. I lost consciousness then. I assume I was intubated. I don't remember a long ambulance ride and a helicopter ride. I had surgery to stop bleeding inside my head. All that was known at that time was that I earlier had a car accident. During surgery, my heart stopped. During that surgery, doctors saw the AVM (tangle of blood vessels in my head). It was the cause of bleeding.

I opened my eyes weeks later, but didn't talk. I made no reaction whatsoever. Not talking or reacting was taken to be vegetative (an open eye coma).

I was very "Near Death." It appears in records that I actually crossed that threshold. I was dead, or was I? 

I was mostly dead.

Modern medicine restarted my heart. I still couldn't breathe on my own. A tracheostomy tube was put in. I spent ten months on a ventilator and two more years with a tube in my neck. I recount the breathing process in http://thoughtfulveg.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-hole.html. This was all medical science.

I'm still "Semi-Vegetative." Vegetative is not conscious. My push now is, "Hey, my brain is back!" This is what others find frustrating. "Once gone, your brain is gone. Right?" (It's almost 15 years later now.)

I didn't have the Near Death Experience, probably because I had the brain injury. Later I figured a memory I had was while I was in a deep coma. Something is odd here. Everything I write right now is while I'm still unconscious? There's way too much unexplained here.

I say start with the girl in a coma who posted this. It's sounding more like a gradual return to consciousness. I bet this goes with neurogenesis. Of course though, if that doesn't exist, neither do I.

Friday, April 7, 2017

A Postulate

My computer doesn't think up these essays. I do. My computer is the tool used to convey my thought.

Here's another way of looking at the brain. It is just a tool conveying what the consciousness is going through. Brain cells perceive the environment and convey it in a way for conscious reaction. (I'm using the brain as a filter theory.) http://realitysandwich.com/173104/brain_filter_removing_stuffing_keyhole/

There are two things going on in the NDE: 1) the brain is unavailable, and 2) the experience.

Through brain injury, I separated the two. My heart stopped. Although I was on a respirator, my body was dead. There was no heartbeat or breathing on my own. Artificial breath is provided by a machine. My brain is unavailable.

I didn't have the traditional NDE experience. I did not see any tunnel or friends on the "other side." Later, I remember seeing a friend who is on THIS side. I just had surgery and was in a full coma.

I exhibit behavior of having an NDE, http://braininjuryknow.blogspot.com/2014/06/brain-injury-and-near-death-experience.html. It has been determined by others I had an NDE, http://spiritualscientific.com/DrMorseBlog/2010/11/09/angela-ronson-part-3-how-our-brain-is-connected-to-the-universe/.

Now I write this.

My brain is not thinking this up. If my brain is thinking this up, then there was either an error or brain cells regenerated. I go with that last one, "brain cells regenerated." It is also called neurogenesis.

According to records, and the personnel where I was (I wasn't typing yet. I was only talking.) This is all a hallucination. I am not getting better. This is the first scenario.

I don't believe the second occurred by a physician. There was no malice or incompetence. Initially, my outward appearance matched hospital records. I do state there was an error, but it was made later. It was not made by a person. ("The Center for Medicaid and Medicare Services (CMIS) took off my payee so I could pay bills. They left me vegetative. This is a big error. I appeared vegetative, but am of sound mind. This is Locked-In Syndrome. ") http://thoughtfulveg.blogspot.com/2017/03/a-case-for-misdiagnosis.html

I go with the third scenario, brain cells regenerated. Neurogenesis is a bonafide process. It just hasn't occurred on a large scale in a controlled setting, yet. This has not reached government practice, yet.

Monday, April 3, 2017

The Impending Paradigm Shift

For a "paradigm shift" in brain injury to happen, someone would have to be really bad-off. Then they would have to get really good. Both extremes have to occur.

In my case, there is the closest to death that you can get. A machine was breathing for me, and my heart stopped at one point. Talk about close to death! My body crossed that threshold, but modern medical science techniques didn't lose me.

Then there is a second extreme seen in me. There is incredible intelligence. I am the person writing this essay. So, my words, my concepts, my ideas, etc, are being put forth. None of this fits the current paradigm.

Further, I look into the concept of "paradigm shift." I find out about Thomas Kuhn. Normal and extraordinary science are occurring in me, one person. At times I will observe the extreme luck extending to others, but the majority is with me.

Macat is a critical thinking skills and higher learning program.

That above video does use the Ice Age in its explanation. Thomas Kuhn did not live during the Ice Age, and I have no connection to the current weather. My connection is to neuroscience and spirituality.

There has a been a quiet brain revolution going on in neuroscience, in the past ten years, one that will change everything we know about spirituality and the brain.  While the general public still is mired in the “skeptic vrs believer debate” most prominently promoted by Michael Shermer (http://www.michaelshermer.com/), most people are completely unaware that science has already embraced spirituality.  In my opinion, spirituality can no longer be understood unless practitioners and the general public are willing to understand the new spiritual neuroscience.  As physician Robert Lanza stated  (http://www.robertlanza.com/) in American Scientist in 2007, time, space, and this material reality are simply tools of the brain to allow our conscious self to interact with this reality.  He states that the current scientific evidence states that time “reboots” after our brains die (and we then get a new brain to begin a new life).   Obviously science and spirituality has moved far beyond the tired “skeptic v believer debate” that seems to still play out in the Wall Street Journal and the major television networks.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Brain Injury Medicaid Waiver in California

I was given the link for the brain injury Medicaid Waiver in California, http://www.dhcs.ca.gov/services/ltc/Pages/In-HomeOperations.aspx


I had been having issues with a share of cost. I figured I'll just Medicaid Waiver the whole thing and be certified I should be in a hospital. Then that would be waived. That diagnosis that says I am a vegetable comes in handy.

I am met with, "We haven't seen this so we don't have to do it." This county had a different way of handling my issue. A family member went in and got the share of cost lowered if I purchase separate insurance.

So what's the deal with the brain injury Medicaid Waiver? We got it for a bit and then it was taken away? Is this only good for some counties but not the one I live in? It's not the local workers' fault. There could be some state policy they are not aware of.

There are brain injury Medicaid waivers available in other states. These are new with most workers. Give them some leeway. They are trying to find the best program available for you. Check with your state if there is a Medicaid Waiver available to you. The one above is California only.

This is not for everyone! Remember I said I had to be certified as hospital material? "Medicaid Waiver programs help provide services to people who would otherwise be in an institution, nursing home, or hospital to receive long-term care in the community." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicaid_waiver The person applying must be eligible for a "home" or higher. I was looking at these forms above. The medical form is 12 pages long!

This isn't easy. If anyone knows anything, please comment or message me.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Not Brain Dead Or In a Coma

"A year ago, Mohammad Meshkin of California won a lawsuit that kept his daughter on life support and gave her the life-saving operation she so desperately needed." http://www.medicaldaily.com/comatose-organ-donation-brain-dead-misdiagnosis-coma-387079

What happened to this girl? That was me at one time. I just didn't do the lawsuit. I  got the needed surgery at an independent university as indigent. I also have some sort of "super" intelligence.

I'm skirting this like I did with high school. All you have to do there is ask how do I have college degrees but not a high school diploma. Now, you can ask how do I write all this stuff, but I am in a coma. (That one is easy. Some oaf goofed.)

Sunday, March 26, 2017

A Case For Misdiagnosis

Look up the definition of savant syndrome. Vegetative was given while I was in a coma. I think possible misdiagnosis occurred here. 

Savants are people who despite serious mental or physical disability have quite remarkable, and sometimes spectacular, talents. This is an exceedingly rare phenomena, although there are several well documented cases (see Sacks, 1986; 1995; Treffert, 1989), and recently the Academy Award winning movie Rain Man has led to the term savant being much more widely known. Savant syndrome is perhaps one of the most fascinating phenomena in the study of human differences and cognitive psychology. It is often claimed that, because of the extraordinary abilities involved, we will never truly understand human memory and cognition until we understand the savant. http://www.psy.dmu.ac.uk/drhiles/Savant%20Syndrome.htm

"Another form of savant syndrome is acquired savant syndrome, in which a person acquires prodigious capabilities or skills following dementia, a head injury or severe blow to the head, or other disturbances." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savant_syndrome

This is why I am picking on this particular disorder. I obviously have a brain injury. This can specifically be caused by a brain injury, but it is very rare. (I ruled out Einstein Syndrome. It is things like this as to why I always avoided diagnosis. Look at my history.)

"Although termed a syndrome, it is not recognized as a mental disorder nor as part of a mental disorder in medical manuals." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savant_syndrome

My initial diagnosis was given. I was still in a coma after opening my eyes. The type was changed. Vegetative is another type of coma. It is not conscious. Now get this...here I was staring off into space and remembering the primary doctor explaining why she was giving me the more severe of the two vegetatives (actually there is only one, Persistent Vegetative State (PVS), but  people with Minimally Conscious State (MCS) have also been called "vegetables.") There was no malice or incompetence. The doctor was deeply troubled. At least with the more severe diagnosis, I was guaranteed medical services for the severely disabled.

Another week goes by and I am definitely showing more signs of the lesser MCS, and I suspect Locked-In Syndrome. I specifically remember hearing, "Her AVM (what bled) was in her cerebellum next to the pons." Damage to the pons is associated with Locked-In Syndrome.

I made a move financially that was not expected. I filed to keep my work insurance. This can be done, but you have to pay for it. It's called COBRA. I let all my bills go to collections and I used my Social Security check to pay my insurance premium. I used my whole check for that. It's steep.

I was pretty much already dead. All my bills could go to collections. I was hospitalized. There was no rent. I had a feeding tube. Food was a medical expense. I didn't have to pay for that either.

The Center for Medicaid and Medicare Services (CMIS) took off my payee so I could pay bills. They left me vegetative. This is a big error. I appeared vegetative, but am of sound mind. This is Locked-In Syndrome. 
Fast-forward 14 1/2 years later. I now solely use Medicare and Medicaid. There is no other insurance. AVM removal and neural repair was performed by Stanford. I had to do this as an indigent through the neurology clinic as this was not a covered expense. I now have some movement in my left arm and use my left pointer finger to tediously type out this entire essay. I am still vegetative with the government
I look like a person with quadraplegia and some movement. Go back to that original diagnosis. I could pay bills but I was vegetative. If I had been given Locked-In Syndrome, it could be said I am no longer locked-in. Then it could be said the amount and content of these essays are extraordinary. This leads to savant syndrome, acquired.

I go on from here. Most people did not know that I already exhibited signs of savant syndrome, congenital. I played piano at an early age. My first piano recital was at five years old. I got used to the word 'prodigy' and took advanced placement classes.

I got lost in the school system when I moved, so I left and started college at 16. An AA at 18, a BA at 19, and an MA later at 24 are all noted in transcripts. (The MA shows that financial ingenuity, math, as I could not afford a degree. The college paid me to go there.) Later occupation can also be viewed as a success. You were looking at possible savant syndrome already.

Then this brain injury hits. This is where it gets messy. Is it congenital or acquired? I do have a new skill. I didn't type with one finger before. The knowledge is old. Some of the physics may be new. That may also be old fashion common sense.

All of this really doesn't matter as the government has deemed me vegetative. I'm not conscious in their eyes.  I can only say suffer the consequences of fate. The following was said before I was born.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”― C.G. Jung


Monday, March 20, 2017

Daily Programming To Rewire the Brain

I was away from the beeps and buzzers. No one could step out from behind a curtain and suddenly appear at my bedside. If you thought children could give you a heart attack by showing up by your bed in the middle of the night, then try a nurse in the hospital. They both poke you to see if you are alive. The nurse just uses a needle. I didn't have to deal with that hospital smell, either. Some people vomit just thinking about it.

Stress is a big deterrent to rewiring. Your brain actually rewires to that stress. The above was a stressful environment. I wasn't going to get the kind of rewiring I have now while I was in a medical facility. I would get it at home.

I moved out of the hospital and into a private residence. My environment was minus that stress. I do want to note, a nursing home can do this, also, but not all can do the programming I next talk about.

Programming...you don't think much about home. You think, "I have to go to a program." No, you don't. It can be set up in your home. I've been doing this a while for others.

This gives you an idea of what I set up for myself,


Posit Science recommends that 90 minutes a week be performed. ("Recommendation
Try to fit in at least 90 minutes of effective brain training a week. Many people tell us that 3 times a week for 30 minutes at a time works best for them. http://www.brainhq.com/why-brainhq/brain-training-your-way/brainhq-training-help#A) I plugged it into my daily schedule. This would ensure I got at least 90 minutes a week. I was doing an hour a day, 5-6 days a week. I was getting at least four times the minimum recommendation on the weeks I did the least.

All of this extra training would have promoted rewiring... and possible neurogenesis?  I already believe nurogenesis was started years earlier with the initial injury in a procedure my mother described as the doctor "reversed blood flow." This procedure is not in medical records. Extra training could be responsible for further neurogenesis. This is a new concept that will need to be explored.

The Insight program isn't offered anymore. Alternatively, there is something easier to access. BrainHQ by Posit Science is offered on-line for a charge.  http://www.brainhq.com/welcome#  It is a fraction of the cost of that original program. The old games have been incorporated into this format.

I specifically want to address this type of training and these specific exercises. There is a good deal of research available on them. I am also awed by the amount of time I spent on this. It wasn't much daily, but a lot weekly. This is easily doable by a clinical program.

There is one other piece of programming I did that is not related to computer brain training. I did Range Of Motion (ROM) exercises. There is a great deal of research on the benefits of exercise rewiring the brain. I have also addressed ROM, https://plus.google.com/u/0/collection/YnqoY.

Although I hadn't put the two together before (I did them at different times of day), ROM exercises may be the compliment brain training software needs to fully rewire a brain.
After the brain program ended, I changed to Oral-Motor exercises for speech. It would account for what you see and hear.

I added the 'pucker-smile' exercise mostly.

CLICK to enlarge

and I would sing along with the radio if I knew the words.

You end up with rewiring of my face and speech.

You see it.
You can hear my voice.
(This video links to http://thoughtfulveg.blogspot.com/2016/12/yes-i-speak.html.)

There is still more to do. Obviously, I have yet to do gross motor. That one is difficult to do alone. I'm addressing problems one at a time and am in no hurry. I do not address fine motor as I have not formally worked on it here at home. I typed my first e-mails at El Camino Hospital to a Music Therapist.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Pinch Me and I'll Kick You

[I started updating an essay. Then I thought, "No, this stands alone... and kicks.]

My diagnosis is Semi-Vegetative (to my knowledge. I do know it was changed at least once.) My understanding is that Semi-Vegetative is under Persistent (or Permanent to some) Vegetative State, PVS. Recently, it has been referred to as Vegetative State. 

I still think my original diagnosis should have been Locked-In Syndrome with visual deficits. It's too late for tests now as I'm not locked-in anymore. I do display traits of being Locked-in, for example, typing with one finger.  Questions of consciousness should not be directed at me. LIS is conscious. My current state, Semi-Vegetative, and PVS are not conscious... yet I write this. That's an obvious error.

Now, I have been writing a while. Why hasn't my diagnosis changed yet?

To further bring question, why is my diagnosis changed?

Is this what happens to your loved one who is dying? You know they are dying. They should get _____ but they don't and they eventually die. You are too overcome with grief to fret about a lack of service. You get on with your own life.

I'm still at that diagnosis. I was dying and not given anything but the basic care. Now I'm not dying (anytime soon) and still get basic care. (That means no therapy or rehab.) This lack of service was my concern. I find out the lack is because I am not conscious.

Pinch me so I can kick you. Then tell me I'm not conscious.

(People seem to be more concerned over my conscious state than where I physically was and why I left.)


Since I am asking so many questions I will ask one more. What happened to the AVM, Arteriovenous Malformation, that was in my head? Why was an entire surgery, AVM removal and neural repair, omitted? Why? I want to know why. Am I not allowed to get better? Everything is pointing that way.

I do get better despite that. Now it's a miracle.